Breaking News, Terry Francona has computer on desk!

Dan Shaughnessy, overall nincompoop, is somehow still writing. How do I know this? Because I troll every newspaper website in the United States looking for terrible sports writing, it’s just 99% of the time, I’m on either the Boston Globe or Boston Herald websites.

The piece (of crap) is entitled, Red Sox managerial search raises questions

I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and say that the question is, who is going to be the next manager? Nah, way to simple for Dan.

Yesterday it was Gene Lamont, a 64-year-old man who has been in professional baseball for 47 years. On Friday it was Torey Lovullo, a veteran of nine seasons managing in the minors. Last Wednesday, it was Sandy Alomar Jr., a nice former player with no managerial experience.

Before that, it was 60-year-old bench coach Pete Mackanin with his nifty handkerchief, great hair, and iPad. We’ve also seen Brewers hitting coach Dale Sveum, the man who made us all forget Wendell “Send ’Em In’’ Kim.

See, here is the stuff that I want to be reading. I want to know about Pet Mackanin’s nifty handkerchief, great hair, and iPad. This is hard hitting sports journalism at its best. Another interesting note that Dan failed to mention, Pete Mackanin is a graduate from Brother Rice High School. Man, what was the interview process like to be a sports writer in Boston?

No-Names On Parade. This is the theme of the Red Sox managerial search in November 2011.

Why are the Sox going low-profile in the search for their next skipper?

And why did Texas pitching coach Mike Maddux say no to an interview, citing family reasons (Mad dux’s family lives in Dallas-Fort Worth), then go to Chicago to interview with the Cubs?

Dan smells a conspiracy. Beware. Also, news flash, the Cubs new general manager is Theo Epstein, whose philosophy is no doubt still alive in Boston.

Maybe the Globe’s Nick Cafardo gave us the answer last Sunday when he wrote about the Red Sox’ insistence on an “organizational approach’’ for their next manager.

Nick explained that the Sox reject the old-school notion of “one voice,’’ and prefer managers “who take a lot of input from the front office.’’

We know the Sox emphasized the “organizational approach’’ in the eight years that Terry Francona managed the team. Francona had a computer on his desk, and Theo Epstein’s minions were in and out of his office all the time.

Stop the freaking presses. Francona had a computer at his desk! Are you serious? Jon Lester drinks beer and people crap all over him, but Francona could have been playing flash games for all we know. Jesus. HE HAD A COMPUTER! ON HIS DESK!

But only in the days after Francona was fired did we get a grasp of the extent of the interference from above. If you saw Philip Seymour Hoffman’s depiction of an emasculated Art Howe in “Moneyball,’’ you know what I’m talking about.

I saw it, twice, and Art Howe did NOT have a computer on his desk in that movie.

This is why you won’t hear about them trying to bring Tony La Russa out of retirement. This is why Bobby Valentine and Joe Torre are out of the question. There will never be another Dick Williams type in the Sox dugout. The Sox want a “player’s manager.’’ Some would also say they want a guy who’ll take lineups from Bill James, Tom Trippett, and Carmine the computer.

Cherington disputes the latter notion.

Would that be so bad? When I coach a little league team, hell if I don’t use an online lineup analyzer to set my lineups. Dumb managers set terrible lineups all the time, which are statistically proven to be improved by utilizing some statistics to create a better lineup, I repeat, why is it such a bad idea?

“I’ve never seen that happen here,’’ said the new GM. “We’ve had plenty of conversations about lineups and at times made suggestions, but Tito always made out the lineup, and I don’t remember one exception to that. I don’t ever remember a time when we mandated a lineup to Tito.’’

Good. That’ll help knock down the image that the Yankees are run by Hal Steinbrenner while the Red Sox are run by Hal from “2001: A Space Odyssey.’’

If you argue for one second that Watson wouldn’t kick Hal’s ass in managing a team, then I will take a bat to your typewrite.

“How many managers who have been around for a while would like that?’’ asks Joe Morgan, who managed the Sox to division titles in 1988 and 1990.

Answer: Zero.

I was really hoping that Red Machine Joe Morgan said this, because it is something that he would say, but alas, this Joe Morgan was before my time, and even worse, white. Also, I don’t know why a manager wouldn’t like something that makes their job easier… but I guess that is why white Joe Morgan is no longer coaching.

Maybe that’s why you’ve never heard of most of the Sox candidates. In addition to the men listed above, the Sox are also reportedly considering Rays bench coach Dave Martinez, Dodgers coach Tim Wallach, and Marlins coach Joey Cora.

I am offended that you think I have never hear of Joey Cora, or is that Alex, ah who cares.

What do all of these candidates have in common?

Ipads and nice hair?

All are nice guys, “good baseball men,’’ relatively anonymous, and certainly in no position to make demands as they interview for the job. They are all baseball lifers who’d be forever beholden for this opportunity. They’d go along with the plan. They’d be good organization men. They’d study their spreadsheets from Lawrence, Kan., and never complain.

Am I missing something? What does Lawrence, Kan have to do with anything? Did anyone bother to tell Dan that you don’t abbreviate Kansas as Kan?

“The numbers won’t tell you what a guy is made of,’’ said Morgan. “That’s probably the biggest thing. Just because a player got a hit in one situation doesn’t mean he will do the same thing if things are more stressful. That’s something a manager would know better.’’

Here we go. You can’t just use logic and reason! What if Einstein relied on numbers? This world would be a different place. And you are exactly correct, white Joe, just because a player got a hit in one situation does not mean he will do the same thing if things are more stressful. However, the reason behind this is a combination of luck, skill, and small sample size. Good thing we live in a world where managers have perfect memories and can calculate large numbers in their head for each of their players, so they can decide  how to use them. Oh what, I’m talking about computers.

Amen. If the collapse and fallout from 2011 proved anything, it’s that the Sox need a strong voice and presence in the manager’s office. They need someone who will occasionally scare the hell out of the Popeyes-and-beer brigade. They need strength, presence, pedigree. They need somebody with chops.

They need fewer computers on desks!

They need Jim Leyland, Mike Scioscia, Ozzie Guillen, and Joe Maddon. They need Earl Weaver, Billy Martin, and Casey Stengel.

All of these guys are either dead or working for another organization. You are not answering any questions, but you never really asked any, which was the title of this article…

They need the Marlboro Man, not Casper Milquetoast.

WTF? You lost me.

“I’m not sure I accept the dichotomy,’’ said Sox CEO Larry Lucchino (“the man who runs the Red Sox,’’ according to John Henry). “I think we are wide open in our approach. There are various types of managerial roles and philosophies. I will wait until the end of the process to declare which one we like more.’’

Something tells me that John McGraw is not walking through that door. It’ll probably be more like Sandy, Torey, or Dale – flanked by the minions from baseball ops.

John McGraw died in 1934, there is a 100% chance he isn’t walking through any doors right now. Also, if I remember correctly from my watching of Ken Burn’s Baseball, John McGraw walked around with a piece of lynching rope in his pocket. Not the whole thing, just a piece, but still.

The Maddux rejection really makes you wonder. Managing the Red Sox should be an attractive opportunity. There are tons of payroll and star power. You have a full house every night. Your work truly matters to millions of people.

So why the parade of no-names? And why did Maddux reject the Sox without even bothering to talk?

Loose Change Pt. 2, the Mike Maddux Conspiracy, coming to Youtube soon.

Maybe there’s too much interference in Boston. Maybe being an “organizational’’ manager is not such a good gig after all.

TOO MANY COMPUTERS ON TOO FEW DESKS!

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